Welcome! Let me Introduce Myself

Dear Reader,

Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you found your way to my page.

I created this blog to share my experiences with motherhood, to help other moms feel seen as they navigate parenthood, and to offer insight to anyone who wants to better support the moms in their lives. I felt called to start this project – to share my inner thoughts, struggles, and triumphs as I learned what it means to be a new mom.

After giving birth to my daughter, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Even though the people in my life (especially my husband) cared deeply about me and wanted to help, it seemed like no one truly understood how I felt in that moment. I was grappling with so much: a birthing experience that was long, difficult, and both emotionally and physically exhausting. The overnight wakings that I felt were never going to end. The struggles of breastfeeding. Learning to care for an infant in the middle of the night and running on very little sleep. Those newborn trenches were rough, and they were over before I knew it.

I write these words to help new moms or moms navigating the postpartum experience again feel less alone. I felt like no one really warned me about this part, and I want to be as candid and open as I would be with my closest friends or sisters. I hope you can find comfort in my experiences and know that while motherhood is different for every mom, some aspects are universal. I hope you feel validated and seen through my words. And if you're just beginning your motherhood chapter, I hope you gain some wisdom or at the very least, feel a little less afraid.

A Little Bit About Me:

My name is Alejandra, but I've gone by Ally since first grade. I'm a Latinx Southern California native and the proud daughter of hardworking Mexican parents. I went to college on the East Coast, where I earned both my bachelor's and master's degrees in education. My passion lies in coaching my students and creating resources that help them meet their goals and thrive. I'm married to my high school sweetheart, and we have a 17-month-old baby girl. I love being a mom. In my downtime, I enjoy hanging out with my family, cooking and baking, dancing, and volunteering in my community. I'm a follower of Jesus and have recently grown closer to my faith. I believe in science, social justice, and helping those in need. Since giving birth to my daughter, I've made it my personal mission to help moms feel more supported and to remind them that they matter so much. Welcome to a little part of me.

Thank you for being here!

Ally

Who Am I Now? Grappling with Identity in Motherhood

I remember it was a week after I gave birth that I had this distinct thought…who am I? I knew that I was the freshly minted mother to Isa, I was a wife, I was by all accounts the same Ally that had walked in to the Labor and Delivery Department just ten days before except I was not. It was like having this fresh new human that belonged to me had completely erased the foundation of who I was. And maybe it was just me, but I felt a little lost. One could say that I was having a full on existential crisis in the midst of early motherhood. Maybe it was the exhaustion from baby girl sleeping only two or three hours at a time but nothing could have prepared me for this hole that I felt in my identity - that’s the best way I can think to describe it. 

I looked up identity and motherhood in Google and to my surprise this phenomenon that I was experiencing actually had a name, something I had not heard before, matrescence. According to the Cambridge dictionary and the Perinatal Mental Health Center of Chicago, matrescence is the process of becoming a mother, including the physical, emotional, psychological, and social changes that come with that transition. Dana Raphael was an anthropologist who coined the term in the 1970s. She defined that it is the developmental transformation in motherhood, much like adolescence is a transition into adulthood. Landing on the definition made me feel less alone and like other moms before me had also had to come to terms with this new identity and aspect of their development into motherhood. I was also very intrigued to find out that there were actual physical changes in the brain that occurred as a result of matrescence. There is a major neuroplastic shift that happens in the brain during pregnancy and early postpartum. But what do these changes actually mean for us as moms? These changes are thought to help the brain adapt to caregiving and in particular a pruning where less-used brain connections are reduced and more efficient and relevant networks are strengthened. In essence, our brains become more effectively adapted for motherhood. Since we understand the definition and brain science of matrescence a little better let’s talk a little about what this identity shift actually meant in my life. 

Like I mentioned earlier, in the early postpartum days I felt lost honestly. It felt like a big part of me was gone and now I was just this shell of a person whose top priority was keeping my baby safe. If I’m being honest I felt like a zombie, like it was me having the thoughts in my head but there was something so unfamiliar and frankly unreal about everything I was experiencing. Looking back, I think my first days as a new mom were strongly colored by my birthing experience, while I was not diagnosed officially then, I was probably suffering from some sort of PTSD. As every day passed, I got more and more attuned with what my baby needed, I got more used to my physical body, and I got the hang of being a mom. But it did not happen overnight. Now that I am almost 22 months postpartum, I can say that I am much more in tune with who I am as a mother and as a person. However, this did not happen from one day, week, or month to the next. It was a process that entailed extensive self reflection, journaling, therapy, and an assessment of who I was. In some ways, this journey has made me get back to myself, and realize that I am still her and now more her as a result of this. This process has not been easy and has required a lot of time energy and attention. I have made it a point to go to therapy, to journal, and to spend intentional time with myself to so I can figure out who I am at this stage. I’ve asked myself so many questions and engaged in many thought exercises.

I’ve had to ask myself the following questions:

• What makes me happy?

• What do I enjoy?

• What parts of myself are central to my identity?

• What parts are negotiable?

• What kind of mother do I want to be?

• How am I showing up for myself?

• How am I building time for myself on a daily basis?

• What practices help me feel grounded in my identity?

• What routines and systems help me feel more like myself?

• Am I making myself a priority?

• How am I preventing burn out?

• How do I ask for help?

• Am I keeping the promises I make to myself? 

My experience grappling with my identity as a new mom was hard and that’s just how I experienced it. If this was not the case for you, that is awesome. If you also had a tough time, I hope you know that that is perfectly okay. We are never taught about these things and we just have to figure it out. If you are still on the road to figuring out your new identity in motherhood, I hope you know that we all are. 

Inner Thoughts of a Working Mom

Being a working mom is hard. Let me preface by saying that I believe and understand that being a mom period is hard no matter whether you work in the home or work outside of the home. The point of this specific discussion is to bring to light the many things that have turned out to be difficult about being a working mom. 

1. Returning to work after being home with baby is the absolute worst. My maternity leave after giving birth to baby girl was what felt like nothing - eleven weeks that absolutely flew by. I recognize my privilege and know that some moms get way less time than me and I cannot even begin to imagine how incredibly hard that must have been. I felt anxiety as I prepared myself the weeks and days leading up to my return to work. I am someone who has always loved my job and found fulfillment from my work. However, I dreaded having to leave my tiny little baby. It seemed like it was not worth it to leave baby girl. I wish I was warned about the mental gymnastics it would take to prepare for our time apart for work - I was STRESSED about it for days and weeks leading up to my return. I honestly think I robbed myself of happy time with babygirl by worrying about how she would be and I would survive without her. 

2. No one prepares you for the amount of logistics you have to prepare for your little one as you transition back to work. Bottles and milk (and if you are breastfeeding like me you have to start building a supply), supplies for pumping, clothing for your little one and changes of clothes because they can’t seem to stay clean, plenty of diapers and wipes, toys, let’s not forget their equipment (mats, swings, bouncers, strollers, car seats). And you will inevitably forget something and feel awful about the fact that you forgot something. I also found myself stressing out while I was at work about the fact that she might need something and there was nothing I could do. 

3. As someone that was still pretty much exclusively breastfeeding, I wish someone told me to practice with ally of my gear before the first day back in the office. For example. one of my wearable pumps ended up not working and I had to spend double the time pumping because I was forced to only pump on one boob at a time. This was also extra messy because there was letdown from the opposite side and I leaked through my breast pad. This was a newbie mistake - try to avoid any surprises by checking your equipment. I also wish I would have brought a bigger container/cooler for that first day. Finally, I wish someone would have told me that my work could wait. On that first day back, I waited and waited to pump a second time because I was busy but I was in so much pain from being engorged - NOT WORTH IT! Put yourself first, take advantage of those breaks. I almost lost my milk supply because I was waiting too long to pump. You can prevent yourself so much pain and heartache by running through your day and what you would need the week before so that you don’t end up overwhelmed like I did.

4. You will miss your baby so much and think about them all day. I called my baby like three times that first day back. She was so happy and living her best life but I was struggling with worry. She was in good hands but being away from her made me anxious. It is so hard especially at first, call as much as you need but also know that you can prioritize uninterrupted time together when you get back home. It is hard to be away from the baby snuggles, their smells, the contact naps, their smiles but it does get a bit easier as you start to get back into the groove of work. 

5. Your work identity and who you were as a worker prior to having your baby will shift. I would pride myself on being a strong contributor and excellent member of the team. As a new mom I knew that I still wanted to contribute to my team but it was like my work was such a small part of me and that only my baby and family really mattered. Like duh, of course your priorities will change but no one mentioned that this shift would be as dramatic as it was for me. You are your baby’s whole world and are irreplaceable, coming to that realization really realigned my hierarchy. Obviously, we need to work and you get better at finding harmony between the personal and professional but except some big changes here. 

6. You will now be judged as a mom. Some will be good and allow for grace, other judgement will be harsh (and may even come from you). I thought that I had compassion for parents in the workplace and especially moms prior to having my daughter, but becoming a mom has reframed the praise and understanding I have for working parents and especially mamas in professional settings - we handle so much! While it has taken me a while to not let how other people perceive me affect me as much, I realized I don’t care what other people may or may not think of me now that I am mom. I was so self conscious about my productivity and my ability to juggle my work and motherhood but I absolutely rocked it after I went back. I had one of the most productive months to date my first month back and I received a promotion since having my daughter. It turns out the biggest critic of my newfound mom identity was myself. I prioritize my daughter and family whenever I have the chance but I have found a rhythm that works for balancing my job and work. You will build the systems you need as you find out how to combine work and motherhood!

7. Your support system will matter so much as you navigate being a working mom. I could not go to work with the peace of mind that I do without having the trusted and loving individuals that help me with my daughter. I know I am blessed to have my mother and sister that provide the care and attention to baby girl while I am at work. I know that it would also not be possible if I did not have my husband, dad, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and brother step in whenever I have needed them. I know that this village is a privilege and sometimes a village can look like friends and trusted caregivers. Make sure you find your people, I know I could not have done it without mine. On another note, sometimes your village will be one that you have to pay for like a nanny or childcare service and there is no shame in that, especially, if you live far away from family and friends.

8. Your workplace and supervisor will make the biggest difference in your ability to flourish as a working mom. I have been blessed it came to my supervisor, as a mom herself she knew what I was going through and never gave me a hard time when I needed additional support. She also held space for me to feel comfortable enough asking for support and not making me feel like I was deficient in some way for needing it. My workplace was also extremely conducive to my success as a working mom. The flexibility, benefits, opportunities for me to grow have been foundational to my success in navigating being a new working mom. My HR team was always available to answer questions about items like extending leaves, adding my baby to my benefits, and telling me about our resources (like the lactation room). While I decided to ease my way into the working world and not attend any in-person conferences during my baby’s first year, my job was supportive of this and I recently attended a conference in Chicago! I want to let moms know that there are workplaces that value your identity as a mom and will support you - a good gauge of this is to see how many working moms are in these space and how the culture is set up to value them. 

While this list is by no means exhaustive, I hope that by sharing all of these experiences you feel a bit more enlightened. For the new moms that are dreading their return back, please know that it is normal and will get easier - I completely understand the feeling and want to validate it, it is so real. For pregnant moms, I hope this plants some seeds so that you may start to anticipate some of the things you may encounter down the line. And to moms that have already been down this road, I hope you find yourself reflected and know that I see you. 

Confessions From a Work Trip with an Almost Toddler

“ I encourage any moms on the fence about traveling for work to strongly consider it. Will it be tiring? Definitely, yes! Will you learn a lot both professionally and about yourself as a mom? Absolutely! It’s not easy to travel for work as a mom but I am here to tell you that it is possible and with the right support, it is more than worth it. ”

— Ally Barajas

I am a few days back from my second work trip as a mom and how do I feel? My top three are probably tired, invigorated in my work, and grateful. Let’s go through each one to analyze the reality of traveling for work as a mother to a baby under two years old. 

1. Tired. I don’t think that tiredness is exclusive to being a mom but I do want to acknowledge that it is exacerbated by being a mother. Never in my life have I felt as tired as I have been since having my daughter. The tiredness from this work trip however, is on another level. Since my daughter still falls asleep next to me, it is nearly impossible for me to be away from her overnight. I don’t think she is ready for that yet, and honestly, I am not either. This meant that my husband and daughter had to come on this work trip with me. Bringing the little one along meant that the trip was exponentially more exhausting than it would have been than if I would have traveled alone. I had to prepare in advance and pack not only mine but also all of the things she would need. This also meant that I had to prepare what I call our travel essentials bag. You can check out my post on traveling with a little one to learn more about what I put in my travel essentials bag. But packing the travel essentials bag means I have to make trips to the store to ensure we have everything we need. You can bet my husband and I were at the store the night before our trip getting the last minute items so that we could set ourselves up for success. We finished packing late into the night, after midnight to be exact, and had to be up at 4:30am. I will acknowledge that we could have been better prepared but life happens and we attended a viewing and funeral for my husband’s great grandfather the day prior and day of so it was a bit more difficult than normal to pre-prepare. We also had a housewarming party and Easter the weekend before. Regardless, life got the best of us and the tiredness compounded and we had a tiring start to the trip. To top things off, I hardly slept because of the anxiety and not wanting to oversleep so that did not help the exhaustion one bit. The thing about tiredness that I am sure other parents and especially moms can relate to is that no matter how exhausted you are, you show up the next day for what is needed from you both professionally and as a mom because you have to. I did it tired and in the end it all worked out. 

2. Invigorated in my work. After attending the summit - which was a two day training that has helped me better understand an area in which I did have much expertise - I was reminded about why I enjoy the work I do in the first place. Recently, things in my professional life have felt very routine and similar (especially since I have been in higher education for over 11 years now and in medical education for over five). I also want to add that since becoming a mother my perspective on work has changed. In general, I always considered myself a high achiever that prided herself based on accomplishments and accolades. After my daughter was born, I realized that I could not be the best mother if I only prioritized my professional life without acknowledging that my values had shifted because I now had a baby to think about. Now this is not to say that I have taken a backseat in my career but that I have had to build my skills in having more firm boundaries with my time, becoming more efficient with my time, prioritizing my workload, saying “no” when it is needed, and learning to delegate or ask for help. Now back to the summit. Being in the space with amazing professionals that are so passionate about helping students succeed really reminded me of my professional mission and reason for loving working in student affairs. It reminded me of the importance of building a culture that is inclusive and welcoming of students from all backgrounds. I am so glad that I took the time to grow my skillset and be in a space with likeminded folks doing work that makes a difference. I am glad that I pushed past the discomfort and the reservations I had about making the trip because it was absolutely worth it. 

3. Grateful - lastly, this trip made me grateful for so many things. First, I was thankful that I have a work environment that promotes professional development opportunities and allowed me to build skill sets outside of my area of expertise. Second, I was so grateful to my husband for joining me on the trip because without him, this work trip would not have been possible. He was with our daughter which meant that I could give my full attention to the training without having to worry about her. This also meant that we got to experience this city together as a family unit whether for breakfast or lunch or a museum during my down time. Additionally, it was so nice that I was able to see family that I had in the Chicago area during the trip. My cousin made it a point to make time for us to hang out and have our daughters spend time with each other. Finally, I was thankful for the fact that at her young age my daughter is having experiences that I didn’t have growing up as a first generation, low income, daughter of immigrants. When I think about the access and experiences that she will get as a result of my career, I am really excited about how this will set such a strong foundation for her to build her dreams and build a life even more expansive than the one me and my husband have had. 

Overall, this work trip while very tiring, was truly a lesson in the importance of stepping outside of your comfort zone and stepping into precious memories - both personal and professional. I am glad I was brave enough to make the decision even though it was uncomfortable if I’m being honest. Even though there were tough moments like when my daughter got fussy on the plane or when I had to leave her early in the morning on a Saturday while she was fast asleep, it was so worth it. I encourage any moms on the fence about traveling for work to strongly consider it. Will it be tiring? Definitely, yes! Will you learn a lot both professionally and about yourself as a mom? Absolutely! It’s not easy to travel for work as a mom but I am here to tell you that it is possible and with the right support, it is more than worth it.