Inner Thoughts of a Working Mom
Being a working mom is hard. Let me preface by saying that I believe and understand that being a mom period is hard no matter whether you work in the home or work outside of the home. The point of this specific discussion is to bring to light the many things that have turned out to be difficult about being a working mom.
Returning to work after being home with baby is the absolute worst. My maternity leave after giving birth to baby girl was what felt like nothing - eleven weeks that absolutely flew by. I recognize my privilege and know that some moms get way less time than me and I cannot even begin to imagine how incredibly hard that must have been. I felt anxiety as I prepared myself the weeks and days leading up to my return to work. I am someone who has always loved my job and found fulfillment from my work. However, I dreaded having to leave my tiny little baby. It seemed like it was not worth it to leave baby girl. I wish I was warned about the mental gymnastics it would take to prepare for our time apart for work - I was STRESSED about it for days and weeks leading up to my return. I honestly think I robbed myself of happy time with babygirl by worrying about how she would be and I would survive without her.
No one prepares you for the amount of logistics you have to prepare for your little one as you transition back to work. Bottles and milk (and if you are breastfeeding like me you have to start building a supply), supplies for pumping, clothing for your little one and changes of clothes because they can’t seem to stay clean, plenty of diapers and wipes, toys, let’s not forget their equipment (mats, swings, bouncers, strollers, car seats). And you will inevitably forget something and feel awful about the fact that you forgot something. I also found myself stressing out while I was at work about the fact that she might need something and there was nothing I could do.
As someone that was still pretty much exclusively breastfeeding, I wish someone told me to practice with ally of my gear before the first day back in the office. For example. one of my wearable pumps ended up not working and I had to spend double the time pumping because I was forced to only pump on one boob at a time. This was also extra messy because there was letdown from the opposite side and I leaked through my breast pad. This was a newbie mistake - try to avoid any surprises by checking your equipment. I also wish I would have brought a bigger container/cooler for that first day. Finally, I wish someone would have told me that my work could wait. On that first day back, I waited and waited to pump a second time because I was busy but I was in so much pain from being engorged - NOT WORTH IT! Put yourself first, take advantage of those breaks. I almost lost my milk supply because I was waiting too long to pump. You can prevent yourself so much pain and heartache by running through your day and what you would need the week before so that you don’t end up overwhelmed like I did.
You will miss your baby so much and think about them all day. I called my baby like three times that first day back. She was so happy and living her best life but I was struggling with worry. She was in good hands but being away from her made me anxious. It is so hard especially at first, call as much as you need but also know that you can prioritize uninterrupted time together when you get back home. It is hard to be away from the baby snuggles, their smells, the contact naps, their smiles but it does get a bit easier as you start to get back into the groove of work.
Your work identity and who you were as a worker prior to having your baby will shift. I would pride myself on being a strong contributor and excellent member of the team. As a new mom I knew that I still wanted to contribute to my team but it was like my work was such a small part of me and that only my baby and family really mattered. Like duh, of course your priorities will change but no one mentioned that this shift would be as dramatic as it was for me. You are your baby’s whole world and are irreplaceable, coming to that realization really realigned my hierarchy. Obviously, we need to work and you get better at finding harmony between the personal and professional but except some big changes here.
You will now be judged as a mom. Some will be good and allow for grace, other judgement will be harsh (and may even come from you). I thought that I had compassion for parents in the workplace and especially moms prior to having my daughter, but becoming a mom has reframed the praise and understanding I have for working parents and especially mamas in professional settings - we handle so much! While it has taken me a while to not let how other people perceive me affect me as much, I realized I don’t care what other people may or may not think of me now that I am mom. I was so self conscious about my productivity and my ability to juggle my work and motherhood but I absolutely rocked it after I went back. I had one of the most productive months to date my first month back and I received a promotion since having my daughter. It turns out the biggest critic of my newfound mom identity was myself. I prioritize my daughter and family whenever I have the chance but I have found a rhythm that works for balancing my job and work. You will build the systems you need as you find out how to combine work and motherhood!
Your support system will matter so much as you navigate being a working mom. I could not go to work with the peace of mind that I do without having the trusted and loving individuals that help me with my daughter. I know I am blessed to have my mother and sister that provide the care and attention to baby girl while I am at work. I know that it would also not be possible if I did not have my husband, dad, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and brother step in whenever I have needed them. I know that this village is a privilege and sometimes a village can look like friends and trusted caregivers. Make sure you find your people, I know I could not have done it without mine. On another note, sometimes your village will be one that you have to pay for like a nanny or childcare service and there is no shame in that, especially, if you live far away from family and friends.
Your workplace and supervisor will make the biggest difference in your ability to flourish as a working mom. I have been blessed it came to my supervisor, as a mom herself she knew what I was going through and never gave me a hard time when I needed additional support. She also held space for me to feel comfortable enough asking for support and not making me feel like I was deficient in some way for needing it. My workplace was also extremely conducive to my success as a working mom. The flexibility, benefits, opportunities for me to grow have been foundational to my success in navigating being a new working mom. My HR team was always available to answer questions about items like extending leaves, adding my baby to my benefits, and telling me about our resources (like the lactation room). While I decided to ease my way into the working world and not attend any in-person conferences during my baby’s first year, my job was supportive of this and I recently attended a conference in Chicago! I want to let moms know that there are workplaces that value your identity as a mom and will support you - a good gauge of this is to see how many working moms are in these space and how the culture is set up to value them.
While this list is by no means exhaustive, I hope that by sharing all of these experiences you feel a bit more enlightened. For the new moms that are dreading their return back, please know that it is normal and will get easier - I completely understand the feeling and want to validate it, it is so real. For pregnant moms, I hope this plants some seeds so that you may start to anticipate some of the things you may encounter down the line. And to moms that have already been down this road, I hope you find yourself reflected and know that I see you.